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Kill China Doll

Burn, Baby, Burn(ed me with love)

Posted on 2006.06.06 at 19:58
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Watchin House
Prom has come and gone. And I must say that Ryan made it much more interesting for me (he even got me to dance)
But today was the first day since Friday that Ryan has made an effort to contact me and well... here is what he had to say.
hey ive been thinking about it a bit and decided i just need a hiatus on our relationship, theres some personal things i have to do for myself, but dont think this is permenate


I knew something like that was coming.
and I'll be honest, It hurts.
I feel lonely and confused mostly because of the last line he said.
Is this really only a break?
Or wlll it develop into an all out breakup?
I mean... who would want to return to... this...?
I just want someone right now, and he was near perfect.

All I can do is to hope to find ways of keeping myself busy and maybe experiance things that I couldn't being tied down to someone.
But all I want right now, is a few beers and maybe a nice guy to mess with.

Kill China Doll

Kill China Doll

Posted on 2006.05.29 at 15:38
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
So a lot has happened since I have last written.
Last weekend was the most enjoyable weekend ever. Each day consisted of illegal acts of mood altering fun. And on Saturday night, just when I thought that I wasn't going to do anything fun, Ryan took me to see Mission Impossible 3 and then he surprisenly stayed until like 4 a.m. and well, he got me very drunk. It took a total of 4 1/4 beers... he kept bribing me for more but at least he knew when to stop. I know that he probably did it just so he could have bragging rights to getting "an innocent Catholic School girl" shitfaced. I said some stuff that I sorta regret now but oh well.
Then on Sunday he came over at night again. We both had two beers, and let me tell you, the sex was the best its ever been. My dad sorta walked in but Ryan had time to hide behind the door and I just covered up with blankets. It was an odd moment but oh well. :)

Ryan did tell me something which I'd much rather not know. He said that he sometimes thinks about having sex with two of my friends, Bev and Sam. Now, Sam... I can maybe understand (even though I wish he didnt admit it) but Bev???? No way
Bev is sooooooo annoying and pretty much everyone hates her (yes, even her friends) and she is so skinny but not in a good way. She has always been skinny and eats all she wants but she is also ugly and pale. Many people say they she looks like a skeleton (granting her the name Skeletor) and she always sniffles her nose like she has to blow it and she is downright annoying. I'm not saying she is an awful person but she needs to chill and grow up a little.
UGH!
So I further questioned Ryan a bit and he says its cause she has a "breakable" quality. FUCKIN CHINA DOLL!
Why cant I look that skinny?
I at least have the looks to go with it.
What angers me even more is that we weigh about the same But I am so damn short that it doesnt matter.

Fine Ryan, I'll give you your breakable doll, all in good time.

Well tomorrow I think that I am signed up to donate blood.
Everytime my school does this Bev always has to brag..." ooo00o I wish I could give blood, but it says you have to be at least 110 pounds! Am I that wieght yet? I dunno I wish I could give blood though..."
You think that she would get sick of people telling her that she is skinny and people accusing her of having an ED but nope, she adores the attention.
Its not like her being skinny is anything new, she has dealt with it all her life. She has never had to obtain such thinness while Anas and Mias struggle every day. Only we deserve the reward that she has wasted.
Well anyways, I now weigh 107 but I'm still going to try to give blood. I doubt it will go so well because I havent eaten in a few days.

two more pounds to go until I meet my ideal prom weight ( I have until friday)
I had to take a considerable amount of fabric off of the gown that I am making. I guess I cant complain even though it made much more work for me.
This weekend has turned into a bust. Joe is out partying and wont answer his phone when I call and Ryan is probably drinking or nursing a hangover. I spent Thursday at PACE party (eating) Friday at Julies B-day party (eating) and satuarday at the mall with Sam and Hannah (not eating even though they wanted me to... skinny pretty people :( ) Despite my 2 days of partying, I managed to stay at 109 but I've dropped 2 of those pounds and aiming for 2 more.

Kill China Doll

I love you crazy

Posted on 2006.05.18 at 21:34
Current Mood: okayalright
Current Music: I'm checking out a local band; Uncle Plum
So She Wants Revenge isn't playing at Penny Arcade tomorrow :(. Myspace has lied to me. Its kinda okay though because if I were able to go, I would probably have to go alone.
I had a Spring Band/Choir concert last night. It went Okay but what made it better was that Ryan came over at 9 and we watched The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. okay... well we watched most of it. We "spooned" on my bed. God, I love it when he holds me, I feel so secure and theres not another place in the world that I'd rather be. Its amuses me when he sneaks a look at me while we're supposed to be watching the movie. But like as soon as it was the whole climatic chase scene I was uhhh... forced to stop paying attention and I missed the ending (he left it here so I watched it again today)
On a critic's moment, the original TCM is much better than the remake. The original freaks me out so much and is so disgusting. I once tried to eat a Pop-Tart while watching it and I felt like I was going to be sick...its a good thing from my Ana's point of view.
On that note:
still no food
no Gatorade yet either
just Diet Mountain Dew and Coffee
There are no calories in Diet MT Dew but is it still less healthy than Gatorade?
:/

Oh yeah... I had a swallow or two of Smirnoff last night. At least Ryan was there to drink the whole thing before I did.
And yeah... planning on drinking and stuff tomorrow... damn alcohol calories... probably going to eat too, I feel like I can't hold any alcohol whatsoever right now. Oh well. I've hardly been drinking these past few months and its the end of the school year and celebration is mandatory.



A little R.E.M. in thought of Ryan:
I love you crazy, just keep on.
I love you madly, just keep watch.
You wipe my lips,
You turn me on.
My attentions are turned to you.

Kill China Doll
Posted on 2006.05.16 at 17:08
Current Mood: numbnumb
Current Music: Loser
Well... I havent shown much self-control lately (which is why I have been too ashamed to report it back here) All that I'd been eating I purged most of it.
I felt like I went back up to 116 or higher but the scale tells me 110. Damn.
I dont feel so thin, but that is probably because I havent felt hunger. Or maybe the scale is off whack or something. oh well
2nd day without eating
wont eat until friday

I hope and pray that I get to go to a She Wants revenge concert on Friday with Ryan but I bet he'll be busy. ( reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally want to go, plus it would be sort of sweet since it is at the place where we first went out and it will be on our 33 week anniversary

Kill China Doll

My nightmare begins when I wake up

Posted on 2006.05.06 at 11:19
Current Mood: irritatedirritated
Current Music: the birds chirpin' outside
Woke up this morning with the clock reading 5:37; a little too early for a saturday. My pulse was about twice as fast as it should have been, or so it felt. I knew I needed something to eat drink but I didn't have the energy to get up. I tried to go back to sleep but only managed to for about 30 minutes.
When I woke up, I felt even worse. But then I sneezed and I knew I had to vomit (it always works that way when its not self afflicted). So I managed to stumble to the bathroom. And yeah... methinks it was like pure stomach acid and let me tell you, that does not come up to easily to say the least. O lord it burned! Plus I have a sore throat mmmhmmm not good. It also felt like it was starting to come up my nose it was so violent.
Despite how awful it felt, it did make me feel much better to get that out of my system.
Then I went downstairs to get some nice cold water to help settle my stomach and some trusty Gatorade for a bit more energy.
Then, of course, I went back to sleep.
Sadly, this is not the first time this has happened to me. It also happened the day before my prom last year. I just don't know if it has to do with dehydration or the fact that I took in no calories. All I know is that I really don't want to go through it again.

I have a party to go to tonight but I don't think I'll be up to it. I asked Ryan to come but he is going to be drinking with some friends surprise, surprise. When I asked he responded with an "I'll see" which pretty much means no. I hate it when he gives me a glimmer of hope like that but I know he wont end up coming. I know that he knows a definite answer but why does he have to keep me hanging like this?
gar.
oh well.
i can have fun without him.
right?


Kill China Doll

The Girl Has Broken Herself

Posted on 2006.05.04 at 22:32
Current Mood: rejectedrejected
I am a failure.
Not one, but two days of eating
Pizza
Pizza
Pizza
Ice Cream
Muffin
Candy
Rice
Pizza...
did I mention pizza?

It wasnt good pizza either, it was disgusting
I think I feel bad about wasting food so I try to use that as an excuse to eat, and one thing leads to another. I am freezing the rest of the rice so I have something to eat for the rest of my fitness testing (even though I dont want to)
Fitness testing was the whole reason why I made so much food in the first place.

Back up to 116
But, I have actually been running laps on my own time.
I hate it

but, that was yesterday
It's all in the past now
I must get...

BACK ON TRACK


no food today
but as soon as I got home I fell asleep, and just woke up 80 minutes ago.

I'm in a word... Depressed.
Even my closest friend has gotten on my nerves the most

Haven't talked to Ryan since he visited me on Monday
Can't really blame him.
Why would he want to talk to a fat lard of a failure such as myself?

That's okay though, I can will change.

But on a better note, I have stopped bleeding in the most awful spot (that was not related in anyway to my period)
I'm very glad but I just wish someone was here to ....celebrate with me ;)

haha sorry if that's too much info, I don't really care :)

Kill China Doll

He Broke the Girl, Physically

Posted on 2006.05.01 at 18:23
Current Mood: embarrassedembarrassed
Current Music: The Simpsons
Forth day without food.
This is too easy.
Now I forget about eating a lot, it rocks.
Down to 110. I think.

Sometimes I get a sharp pain on my left side and it causes me to gasp in surprise/pain.
but what I'm really worried about is..well... down there.... ever since the boyfriend and I were going at it last week it keeps giving out a little blood each day and doesnt seem to want to cease. Yeahhhhh I really hope its nothing serious though it probably is. Why does it have to be in such an embarrassing spot. I just cant go to the nurse and be like "my Lady Hole is giving a little extra off. If it doesn't stop, I won't be having any more sex..."
And no, its not my period, I'm more than sure of that.

Kill China Doll

The Greeting Cards are Letter Bombs

Posted on 2006.04.28 at 22:48
Current Mood: mellowmellow
Current Music: The Simpsons
Hahah so I slept over my friend's house last night after Open Mic night. Before that we watched tennis and mon ami wan't to get food (gah) so we stopped at Wegmans and she bought a bag of cheese puffs and a drink, I knew that she ment to share the cheese puffs but I struggled to eat one and then suggested "I bet ya can't eat the whole bag" I'm evil, but she's skinny :)
Yeah, she ended up eating the bag and was pretty much full after that. We also had mini pickles or whatever and I couldn't help but have two and coffe which my friend loaded with creamer :(. Luckily I didn;t have more though sine I was helping run the food stand and could get as many cookies, cupcakes, and what not as I wanted. Writing my weight and goal weight on my wrists really helped.
I read "Paranpid: A Chant" by Stephen King at Mic Night and I was sooooo nervous but I used that to act insane...it worked, people LOVED it (i guess). They laughed, its a ridiculous poem and I guess there is some humor.
My mother's been investigated
THANK GOD She's dead

they really like that, but I bet some of them were uneasy considering that my mum died like 1 1/2 years ago. It doesnt matter, I was so in character, it was scary. But I really enjoyed it I got a rush like no other.
The Boyfriend said he'd stop by and he didnt. I'm dissapointed but not as devestated as I would normally be.
Still didn't eat today. :)
(down to 113)





Feed Me
Julianna Hatfield

Oh baby, if you only knew
I'm down to 102
Oh baby if you only knew
I don't know what to do

I had a hole in my heart
So I threw away my plate
'Cause nothing filled my up
No matter what I ate
I'm wasting away, its true
I hate myself
And I love you

Oh babe if you only knew
Whenever I think I think of you
Oh babe if you only knew
Feed Me, I'm hungry
Oh babe, I'm hungry...

Kill China Doll

Don't feed the animals.

Posted on 2006.04.26 at 18:27
Current Mood: contentcontent
Good ole Quotes

"I sit at my table, and wage war on myself. It seems like it's all... for nothing. This is my mistake, let me make it good. I raised the wall, and I will be the one to knock it down." ~ REM

"An ordinary girl, an ordinary waist, but ordinary's not good enough today. She's trying so hard, it doesn't seem right, to battle like this and still lose the fight." ~ Our Lady Peace "Superman's Dead"

"Would I be whining if I said I needed a hug? Would you feel slighted if I said your love's not enough? How can I complain? And how can I complain when I'm the one who reaches for it? Because I can't not, because I cannot walk without my crutches. Because I can't not, because I can't help wonder why you ask me." ~ Alanis Morissette "Can't Not"

"And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that you'd understand... When everything feels like the movies, you bleed just to know
you're alive..." ~ Goo Goo Dolls "Iris"

I hate myself, and I love you." ~ Julianna Hatfield "Feed Me"

"I close my eyes when I get too sad, I think thoughts that I know are bad. Close my eyes and I count to ten, hope it's over when I open them." ~ Everclear "Wonderful"

"I eat because I'm unhappy. I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle..." ~ Mike Meyers, Austin Powers II

"Non ut edam vivo, sed vivam edo." (I do not live to eat, but eat to live.) ~Quintilianus, Instituitio Oratoria

2nd day
No food :)
feelin' fine
found a book (or two) in the school library reading "Going Crazy"... girl soon to be ana...I'm interested.

Kill China Doll

Beautiful Disaster

Posted on 2006.04.25 at 17:28
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: Watchin Sienfeld (Elane cant eat for 3 days how convenent)
Okay this is only my second post but I am done slacking!

This is good back on track thanks to a nice lil site
Fading Obsession - Pro-Ana support website, forum and more. Come see and be the next Fading Obsession

Last night, I wrote a letter from Ana and then covered it up with thinspriation pics. It's now on my mirror.
I also now write my weight on one wrist and my (shorter term) target weight on the other. No one will know what it stands for plus I can remind myself all day not to go back to the sinful.



No eating 'till Thursday
then I go to Open Mic Night and then to my friends to sleep over. I know its a lame excuse but she and her mom will make me eat... I often forget what it's like to have parents...


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